Religious Jokes #1

12 Ways the Bible Would be Different if Written by College Students

1. ‘Blood of Christ’ would be switched from red wine to keg beer.
2. Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning: cold!
3. Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced, and written in a large font.
4. New edition every two years in order to limit reselling.
5. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn’t dorm food.
6. Paul’s Letter to the Romans becomes Paul’s email to:
7. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
8. The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon.
9. Out go the mules; In come the mountain bikes.
10. Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: didn’t want to ask directions and look like Freshmen.
11. Tower of Babel blamed for Foreign Language requirement.
12. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.

Paddy lived alone in the Irish countryside with a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died and Paddy went to the parish priest and asked, “Father, the dog is dead. Could you say a mass for the creature?”
Fr. Patrick replied, “No, we cannot have mass for an animal, but there’s a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they’ll do something for the animal.”
Paddy says “I’ll go right now. Do you think £500 is enough to donate for the mass?”
Fr.Patrick says, “Hold on now Paddy, why didn’t you tell me the dog was Catholic?”

The missionary decides to teach the natives to speak English, so he takes the chief and they go walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, “This is a tree.” The chief looks at the tree and says, “Tree.” They walk a little farther and the priest points to a rock and says, “This is a rock” Hearing this, the chief looks and says, “Rock.”
Just then they hear a rustling in the bushes, where they see a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The priest is flustered but quickly responds, “Riding a bike.”
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them both.
The priest yells at the chief asking how could he just kill these people in cold blood.
The chief replies, “My bike.”

Adam said “I don’t have anyone to talk to” God said “I am going to give you a companion and she will be called a woman.
This woman will love, honour and obey you forever.
“Sounds brilliant”, said Adam, “but what will this woman cost me?”
God answered, “An arm and a leg.”
Adam said, “Kinda expensive, so what can I get for a just a rib?” …and he settled for the rib’s worth!

Drunken confession
A drunken man staggers into a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The priest coughs to attract his attention, but the man says nothing. The priest knocks on the wall three times in an attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replies: “No use knockin’ mate, there’s no paper in this one either.”

The Pope in New York
The Pope’s in New York to address the United Nations, gets up late, misses the official car, so he hails a taxi. “Step on the gas pal,” he urges the driver. The driver’s new to the city and is unsure on how to get to the UN building. The Pope takes over the driving, puts boot to floor and is flagged down by a speed cop. The speed cop recognises the Pope and radios the precinct on how to handle this “celebrity” violation. “Got a VIP here sergeant.” “How important is this guy”, asks the sergeant. “Don’t know,” says the speed cop, “but he must be very important…he’s got the Pope driving for him”

Two nuns are out driving when a vampire drops onto the bonnet of their car.
“Quick sister,” screams one nun, “Show him your cross” So the other nun
leans out of the window and shouts, “Oi! You! Get off my f***ing car!”

The Good Deed: A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, and St. Peter says, “I can’t see that you did anything really good in your life but, you never did anything bad either and if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you’re in.”
The guy thinks for a moment and says, “Yeah, there was this one time when I was drivin’ down the highway and I saw a giant group of KKK Biker Gang Rapists assaulting a girl.
Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear.
I rip the leader’s chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I yelled at the rest of them, ‘Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You’re all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!”
St. Peter is really impressed, and asked “When did this happen?”
“Oh, about two minutes ago.”

The New Priest: A new priest at his first Mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After Mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”
So, the next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after Mass, he found the following note from the monsignor:
1. Sip the Vodka, don’t gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spooky.
7. David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.
8. Jesus broke bread at the Last Supper and said, “Take this and eat it, for this is my body”, he did not say, “Eat me.”
9. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, “Mary with the Cherry”.
10. The recommended grace before a meal is not: “Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God”

Typing Error
The Pope dies and approaches the gates of Heaven, where St. Peter greets him with a firm embrace.
“Welcome your Holiness, you have earned your place in Heaven, is there anything your Holiness desires? “Well yes” the Pope replies. ” I have pondered the mysteries which have puzzled theologians, and wonder if there are documents recording the actual conversations between God and the prophets of old? I would love to see what was actually said.
St. Peter brings the Pope to the heavenly library and explains how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope is thrilled and settles down to review the history of the relationship between man and God.
Later, a scream of anguish pierces the library, to which Saints and Angels come running. They find the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment repeating over and over,
“There’s an “R” in it!!… There’s an “R” in it!!… There’s an “R” in it!
It’s…It’s… It’s CELEBRATE not celibate.

Mistaken Identity
The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican and meet the Pope. Grumpy, for once, seems to have a lot to say. He keeps asking the Pontiff questions about the church, and in particular, nuns.
“Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?” Grumpy asks. “No, my son, all our nuns are at least five feet tall.” smiles the Pope. “Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn’t have any nuns that are, say, about my height? Maybe a little shorter?” “I’m afraid not. Why do you ask?” “No reason… You positive? Nobody in a habit that’s about three feet tall, two and a half feet tall?” “I’m sure.,” says the Pope, trying not to show his curiosity. “Okay.” moans Grumpy, dejected at this news.
The Pope listens to the dwarfs as they leave the building. “What’d he say? What’d he say?” chant the other six dwarfs. Grumpy says, “He said they don’t have any.” And the other six start chanting, “Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy f****d a penguin!”

Religious Jokes page #2 [here…]