Paddy is heading home from the pub & decides to go ice fishing. He starts to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly…from the on high…a voice booms, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!” Startled, Paddy moves further down the ice & begins to cut another fishing hole. The voice speaks once more: “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!” Paddy stops, looks skyward, and says, ” Is that you LORD?”
The voice replies, “No, this is the the Ice-Arena Manager!”
Excuse the writing, but I had an accident, burnt my fingers in boiling water, all my fault, I should have felt the water before I put my finger in it.
I met the landlord at the races the other evening, he asked me about last week’s rent. I told him not to worry about last week’s and start praying for this week’s, as it was running on the next race.
I met the bank manager in the pub last night. He said I was high, but I told him I could drink a few more. No, he said, it’s your account I mean.
We got one of those new bathrooms. On one side of the room there is a long thing like what we used to feed the pigs in before I left home. Over in the corner is the nicest contraption of all. You put one foot in and wash it clean, then pull the chain and get fresh water for the other foot. Two covers came with it, but we had no use for them in the bathroom, so I am using one as a bread board and the other has a hole in it, so we framed grandad’s picture with it,
Your loving son…
Mick’s grandfather is still staying with us. He is 94 now. The first thing he does in the morning is read the newspaper in bed. He looks in the deaths and if his name is’nt in it, he gets up.
Last week he thought he had a hole in his heart, but it turned out to be a polo mint in his pyjama pocket.
There was a washing machine in the new house when we moved in. Last week I put in 10 shirts, pulled the chain, and haven’t seen the shirts since.
Mick says he wants to buy me a dog. He says if he gets a black and white one the licence will be cheaper. He went to the doctor last week, but when he came home he said the doctor must’nt be much good because all his patients were sick. The doctor told him to drink a hot glass of orange after a hot bath. He’s still drinking the hot bath. The doctor says Mick suffers from alcoholic constipation, it means he can’t pass a pub.
Your loving daughter…
An Irish Mother’s Letter
Just a few lines to let you know that I am still alive. I am writing this slowly because I know that you can’t read very fast.
You won’t know the house when you come home. We’ve moved.
About your father, he has got a lovely new job. He has 500 men under him. He cuts grass at the cemetery. Your sister Mary had a baby this morning. I haven’t found out yet if it’s a boy or a girl, so I don’t know if your an aunt or an uncle.
I went to the doctors on Thursday and your father came with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for 10 minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him.
Your uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey at the brewery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took 3 days to put the fire out.
It only rained twice this week, first for 3 days and then for 4 days. We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the last payment on your grandmother’s plot wasn’t paid in 7 days, up she comes.
Your loving Mother,
P.S. I was going to send you 5 pounds, but I have already sealed the envelope.
Dear Ould Friend,
Oi’ve forgotten your address, so if you don’t get this letter from me let me know. If you don’t let me know I’ll know you got it. Oi’ll see you in the ould place on Sunday. If oi’m there first oi’ll put a chalk mark on the wall, and if you’re there first rub it out.
It’s so long since I saw ye oi’ve forgotten what yer like but yer face is ever before me. Every time I feed the pigs I think of ye and the last bite we had together.
Yours to the bone,
ps: Excuse the spellin but this is a divil of a computher.
Saucer and kitten
In front of Paddy’s shop, Mick noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized, was a rare and precious piece of pottery.
He strolled into the shop and offered two quid for the cat. “It’s not for sale,” said Paddy.
“Look,” said Mick, “that cat is dirty and…and..filthy, but I’m daft. I like cats that way. I’ll raise my offer to twelves pounds.” “It’s a deal,” said the Paddy, and pocketed the money on the spot. “For that sum I’m sure you won’t mind throwing in the saucer,” said Mick. “The kitten seems so happy drinking from it.”
“Nothing doing,” said Paddy firmly. “That’s my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week I’ve sold 34 cats.”
Mary and Kathleen are at the river. One on one side and the other on the opposite side. Mary, who wants to cross the river yells out to Kathleen, “How do I get to the other side?” Kathleen yells back, “You ARE on the other side!”
A Cuban, a Scot, a Romanian, and an Irishman are sharing a carriage on a train. The Cuban lights up this enormous cigar about 12 inches long, worth about 800 quid, takes one short drag from it and flings the cigar out the window, saying “I’m from Cuba, we have thousands of those things back home”.
A few minutes later the Scot pulls out a bottle of Bells Whiskey, a 50 years old bottle, worth a fortune. He takes swig and flings the remainder of the bottle out the window. He says, “I’m Scottish, we have thousands of those things at home”.
A few minutes later, the Irishman throws the Romanian out the window!
Paddy’s little son, Paddy Joe, wasn’t getting good marks in school. One day he tapped his teacher on the shoulder and said, “I don’t want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don’t get better marks, somebody is going to get a spanking.
Kathleen is at Coke machine…puts in a coin…out pops a Coke. She runs off to get some more coins…returns and starts feeding the machine madly…machine keeps feeding out drinks. Mary walks up behind and asks if she can have a go. Kathleen spins around and says, “Would ya clear off, can’t you see that I’m winning?!”
The Three Paddies
The three of them are standing side-by-side using the urinal.
Paddy the Englishman finishes, zips up and starts washing and scrubbing his hands…clear up to his elbows… He turns to the other two and says “I graduated from Eaton and they taught us to be clean”.
Paddy the Scotsman finishes, zips up and quickly wets the tips of his fingers, grabs one paper towel and says “I graduated from the University of Aberdeen and they taught us to be environmentally conscious”.
Paddy the Irishman zips up and as he was walks out the door has a smirk on his face and says, “I don’t know about you fellows, but where I went to college, they taught us not to pee on our hands”.
Paddy the Irishman is in the South of France, and cannot understand why Pierre attracts all the girls at the beach and poor Paddy attracts none. So he asks Pierre, “Why do you get all the girls and I get none”. Pierre says “Take a potato, tuck it in your swimming togs, it drives the women wild”.
So Paddy stuffs a potato in his togs and parades up and down the beach, but still no woman notices him. Paddy complains to Pierre saying “I’ve tried it, it doesn’t work”. Pierre looks at Paddy and says “Paddy have you tried putting the potato down the front of your togs”.
“Paddy,” asks the barmaid, “what are those two bulges in the front of your trousers?”
“Ah,” said Paddy. “They’re hand grenades. Next time that queer O’Flaherty comes feeling my balls, I’ll blow his bloody fingers off!”
Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea Pat yelled: “Mick! I lost me finger!”
“Have you now?” says Mick. “And how did you do it?”
“I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi…Damn! There goes another one!”
Paddy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. “Please, God,” he implored, “let it be blood!”
Paddy was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O’Reilly wandered by.
“Help!” Paddy shouted, “Oi’m sinkin’!” Don’t worry,” assured Mick. “Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi’m the strongest man in Ireland, and Oi’ll pull ye right out o’ there.” Mick leaned out and grabbed Paddy’s hand and pulled and pulled to no avail.
After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Paddy, “Shure, an’ Oi can’t do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi’ll have to get some help.”
As Mick was leaving, Paddy called “Mick! Mick! D’ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?”
Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent’s hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading. After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked, “Have I got all ye say there?”
The agent said, “Certainly ye have…Why d’ye ask?”
Replied Murphy, “Cancel the sale…’tis too good to part with.”
When we say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland, what they don’t tell you is that he was the only one who ever saw any snakes!
Two Irish farmers over a fence…
1st Farmer: My horse is sick.
2nd Farmer: Mine was sick too, so I gave it kerosene.
1st Farmer: Kerosene, eh? I ‘ll try it.
1st Farmer: Gave my horse kerosene. Killed it.
2nd Farmer: Yeah. Killed mine too.
Mick: What do you have in that bag?
Mick: If I guess how many there are, can I have one?
Paddy: If you guess how many there are, you can have them both.
Paddy lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of approaching death, he got the smell of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, lifted himself from the bed, made his way out of the bedroom and gripping the stair rail with both hands, crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, and gazing into the kitchen, saw hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table.
Was this Heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man??
Mustering one great final effort, his aged and withered hand trembled its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, and was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife……
“Feck off” said she, “they’re for the funeral.” !!!
Paddy’s Jokes, Page #2 [here…]