Religious Jokes #2

Teacher asks the class, “Where is Jesus today?”
Steven raised his hand and says, “He’s in heaven.”
Mary answers, “He’s in my heart.”
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurts out, “I know! I know! He’s in our bathroom…’cause every morning
Daddy bangs on the door shouting ” Jesus Christ, are you still in there?”

The three Paddies and their wives are at the gates of heaven
First, Paddy the Englishman & wife meet St. Peter. “I’m sorry”, says Peter. “You can’t come in. All your life you made drink
your god. So much so that you even married a woman called Sherry”.
Next it’s Paddy the Scotsman and his wife. “I’m sorry”, says Peter. “You can’t come in. All your life money was your
god. So much so that you even married a woman called Penny”.
Paddy the irishman, who’s been watching what’s going on, nudges his wife and says “There’s not much point in us hanging around here, Fanny”.

If the 12 Apostles Had Been Gay…
1. The Last Supper would have been a brunch.
2. The beatitudes would start, “Fabulous are they…”
3. The Triumphal Entry just screams for a drag number.
4. The water at the wedding feast of Canna would not have been changed to wine,
but to extra dry Bombay Sapphire martinis with a touch of Curacao for color.
5. The temple would not have been cleansed of money changers, just redecorated.
6. The Gospels would be Matthew, Mark, Luke, and Bruce.
7. Priests would have affairs with altar boys … but wait … oh! never mind.
8. Jesus would never wear white after Labor Day
9. The Sermon on the Mount would have been a musical.

A real dirty story
A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more.
The next Sunday he turns up the air conditioner, preaches in a monotone, and dangling a watch on a chain and swinging it in a slow arc above the lectern while suggesting the congregation put 20 dollar bills in the collection plate.”
Lo and behold the plates are filled with 20 dollar bills!
He waits a couple of weeks and then tries his mass hypnosis again.
Just as the last of the congregation is becoming mesmerized, the chain on the watch breaks and the watch hits the lectern with a loud thud.
“Oh Crap!” exclaims the pastor … and it takes them a week to clean up the church.

Two Irishmen were digging a ditch across from a brothel, when they see a rabbi walk up to the front door, and duck inside. “Ah, will you look at that?” One ditch digger said, “What’s our world comin’ to when men of the cloth are visitin’ such places?”

A short time later, a Protestant minister walked up to the door and quietly slipped inside. “Do you believe that?” The workman exclaimed,”Why, ’tis no wonder th’ young people today are so confused, what with the example clergymen set for them.”

After an hour went by, the men watched as a Catholic priest quickly entered the whore house. “Ah, what a pity,” the digger said, leaning on his shovel. “One of the poor girls must be ill.”

Three nuns die and go to heaven. St. Peter says to them “These days you have to pass a test to get into heaven.”
Peter asks the first nun, “Who was the first man on earth?” “Adam” answers the first nun, who is admitted to heaven.
“Who was the first woman on earth?” St. Peter asks the second nun. “Eve” she answers correctly
St. Peter asks the third nun, “What were the first words Eve spoke to Adam?”
The third nun says “That’s a hard one . . .” Bells ring, lights flash, people clap. Right answer !!!