• Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow into Dublin Airport one night, with Paddy the Pilot, and Mick the co-pilot.
“B’jeesus” says Paddy “Will you look at how short that runway is”. “You’re not kiddin, Paddy, this is gonna be a tricky bloody landing” replies Mick.
“Right Mick, when I give the signal, you put th’engines in reverse,” says Paddy, “and then put the flaps down straight away.” …”Right, I’ll be doing that” replies Mick.
“And then stamp on the brakes as hard as you can” says Paddy, “and pray to Mother Mary with all a’ your soul” …”Right, I’ll be doing that too” replies Mick.
As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Mick puts the engines in reverse, puts the flaps down, stamps on the brakes and prays to Mother Mary with all of his soul. With roaring engines, squealing tyres and lots of smoke, the plane screeches to a halt inches from the end of the runway.
As they sit in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looks out the front window and says to Mick “That has gotta be the shortest bloody runway I EVER seen in my whole life”.
Mick looks out the side window and replies “Yeah Paddy, and the fookin widest too”.
• The three Paddies are in the jungle being pursued by a tribe of savages. The savages are closing in, so the 3 friends decide to hide in trees. The savages shake the first tree, which contains the Englishman. “Caw, Caw,” is heard from among the leaves. “Is parrot,” the savages decide, and they move to the next tree, which contains the Scotsman, and shake it. An “eek, eek,” is heard. “Is monkey,” decide the savages. They shake the third tree, which contains the Irishman. All that is heard is a single “Mooooo”….
• Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman have been captured by a tribe of savages and are waiting to be executed when another captive whispers to them that the tribe are afraid of natural disasters. On hearing this, the three friends work out a plan. Later, the Englishman is standing in front of a tribal firing squad (using bows and arrows). The tribal chief proclaims, “Ready, aim-” “ERUPTION!” yells the Englishman, who escapes while the tribe are fleeing, terrified. When everything has quietened down the Scotsman is brought to face the tribal firing squad. The tribal chief proclaims, “Ready, aim-” “EARTHQUAKE!” yells the Scotsman, who escapes while the tribe are looking over their shoulders, saying, “where?”. When everything has quietened down the Irishman is brought to face the tribal firing squad. The tribal chief proclaims, “Ready, aim-” “FIRE!” yells the Irishman.
• An Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman are all sentenced to live in a pit for 20 years. They are told that they are all allowed to take one thing with them. The Englishman says, “I’ll take 20 years’ supply of beer.” The Scotsman says, “I’ll take 20 years’ supply of whisky.” and the Irishman says, “I’ll take 20 years’ supply of cigarettes.” They are released 20 years later. The Englishman staggers out and falls down dead from alcoholic poisoning. The Scotsman staggers out and falls down dead from alcoholic poisoning. The Irishman walks out and says, “Anybody got a light?”
• The three Paddies are all about to make a long trip across the desert and are all bringing one extra thing with them. Paddy the Englishman takes a bottle of water, the Scotsman an umbrella and the Irishman a car door. After they had set out, The Irishman asks the Englishman, “why have you taken that bottle of water?” The Englishman replies, “to stop me getting thirsty, duh!”. Unfazed, the Irishman asks the Scotsman “why have you taken an umbrella? It doesn’t rain in the desert you know.” the Scotsman says, “tae keep us in tha shade, ya dense paddy! But why hae you gotta a car door?” “So that I can wind the window down if it gets too hot,” replies the Irishman.
• The three Paddies become stowaways on a ship. The Englishman hides in a large box, the Scotsman in another large box. Paddy the Irishman can’t find a box so he hides in a large bag. A ship steward inspecting cargo shakes the first box. “Woof, Woof,” he hears, “There’s a dog inside” he says. He shakes the second box, “Meow” he hears “There’s a cat inside” he decides. He shakes the bag, and Paddy the Irishman blurts out “POTATOES”!
• The teacher asks the class, “Where is Jesus today?”
Steven raised his hand and says, “He’s in heaven.”
Mary answers, “He’s in my heart.”
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurts out, “I know! I know! He’s in our bathroom…’cause every morning
Daddy bangs on the door shouting ” Jesus Christ, are you still in there?”
• The three Paddies and their wives are at the gates of heaven
First, Paddy the Englishman & wife meet St. Peter. “I’m sorry”, says Peter. “You can’t come in. All your life you made drink
your god. So much so that you even married a woman called Sherry”.
Next it’s Paddy the Scotsman and his wife. “I’m sorry”, says Peter. “You can’t come in. All your life money was your
god. So much so that you even married a woman called Penny”.
• Paddy the Irishman, who’s been watching what’s going on, nudges his wife and says “There’s not much point in us hanging around here, Fanny”.
Teacher asks the class, “Where is Jesus today?”
Steven raised his hand and says, “He’s in heaven.”
Mary answers, “He’s in my heart.”
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurts out, “I know! I know! He’s in our bathroom…’cause every morning
Daddy bangs on the door shouting ” Jesus Christ, are you still in there?”
• The three Paddies and their wives are at the gates of heaven
First, Paddy the Englishman & wife meet St. Peter. “I’m sorry”, says Peter. “You can’t come in. All your life you made drink
your god. So much so that you even married a woman called Sherry”.
Next it’s Paddy the Scotsman and his wife. “I’m sorry”, says Peter. “You can’t come in. All your life money was your
god. So much so that you even married a woman called Penny”.
Paddy the irishman, who’s been watching what’s going on, nudges his wife and says “There’s not much point in us hanging around here, Fanny”.
• Paddy’s inventions:
A pedal powered wheelchair.
Waterproof teabags.
An underwater hair dryer.
Windscreen wipers for submarines.
Non-stick sticky tape.
The Apple Macintosh.
An inflatable dartboard for campers.
An index for a dictionary.
Beer glasses with square bases so they don’t leave rings on the bar.
Ejector seats in helicopters.
Underground airports.
Wind-down windows on a submarine.
Unsinkable submarine.
Boomerang bullets.
Air-conditioners for motorbikes.
Anti-lock cars.
Toxic Toothpaste.
An ashtray for a motorbike.
Waterproof sponges.
Fireproof Matches.
Parachutes that open on impact.
The one-piece jigsaw puzzle.